Excelsior!

Monday, April 2, 2007

In Memory of My Grandma (d. 2006)

I want to post a poem to now that my Grandma actually helped me a bit with. I was having trouble describing the particular sound of the tug boat horns we always heard on the river, and went to her with advice. Later, in the hospital, I told her I thought I found the right words, but she never got to hear the whole poem. This is a poem that, on the surface, seems to be more about boats and the Ohio River. However, in reality, and on a somewhat deeper level, this is completely a poem about the world’s best Grandma, and the powerful effect she had on her grandchildren, who were blessed to have her. By the end of the poem, the sound of the river boat horns seems to be equated with Grandma’s welcome voice calling us in to her home from out playing. This poem is emotionally true. Factually, the poem is more of a combination of many, many, many wonderful events all smushed together to form one scene. The line breaks are not showing as written, so I am putting a forward slash at the end of each line as intended. The first time I read this poem publicly was the exact day in December 06 my Grandma was admitted to the emergency room. This also happened to be the day of my last Craft of Poetry class, and a public reading in the art gallery at school. I was torn up reading it then.

Sleepovers at Grandma’s House on the Ohio River

Lightning bugs lit the way for us cousins in our buttercup necklaces /
as we followed our Grandma’s welcome voice to the porch and indoors, /

where, before we could hear the stories behind the bleating of the river boat horn— /
my Grandma’s imaginary boyfriends’ echoed greetings— /

we washed off our dandelion makeup and dirt under fingernails, /
while Ivory soap smells bubbled in our noses, /

then settled into the big blue-room bed, with its blue walls and comforter, /
to play twenty-questions and giggle at ceiling tiles until we were shushed /

and drifted our way to dreams— /
times like that, it seemed summer would never end. /

Then we grew older. /

We drifted more and more apart. /

The flood forced relocation to a smaller house. /

The rising river ruined almost everything that had made our summer days. /

The carpet we had sat on cross-legged playing Atari when it rained. /

The box of toys like Evil Knievil motorcyclist and Indian brave. /

But sometimes, even though I’m away, alone in my apartment, I think I hear the welcome river boat greetings./

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Living With OCD

Out in the Open

I don't generally talk about this in a public Internet forum (okay, never), but I started to think maybe my experiences could benefit others in similar positions. I may one day put my story in a self-help-slash-memoir, which I have had the title for for the past 5 years, but have only ever written a rough outline. I do rather like the title though, as it expresses a sort of a personal mantra: Over Coming Difficulty.

My OCD History

I have been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since I was around 7 or 8 years old, and showed symptoms well before that. Most people don't develop OCD until puberty...not me. By puberty, though, I had gotten most of the compulsive actions under control, and just had to deal with the obsessive intrusive thoughts.

I continue to struggle with the "bad thoughts," sometimes to a greater or lesser degree-- I have my ups and downs with it. I've had a hard time since 2001, which was a confluence of many stressful events in my life and was also when my medication (Prozac) I'd been on since a child stopped its effectiveness. Unfortunately, my OCD has also manifested itself in other ways the past couple of years. On and off ticks, such as blinking unneccessarily has happened on and off (mostly off right now). The worst is the symptoms that may be an indicator of trichotillomania : I pick at my fingers and scalp until they bleed. Yes, it is painful, and sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it, but when I do, it is still sort of hard to stop. I have been wearing hats and other head-covering as a stop-gap measure until I figure something else out.

Medications

I have been running through the gamut of medicines since the Prozac ceased to be effective (I guess I just built up an immunitiy to it). These have included Celexa, Effexor, and more that I can't remember now but will do a write up on later as to the side effects and benefits. Currently, I am taking Cymbalta.

I am also looking into alternative medicines. The one that I am most intrigued by is Bach Flower Remedies. One of the flower essences, White Chestnut, holds promise:

Flower Remedy- White Chestnut
For those who cannot prevent thoughts, ideas, arguments which they do not
desire from entering their minds. Usually at such times when the interest of the
moment is not strong enough to keep the mind full. Thoughts which worry and
still remain, or if for a time thrown out, will return. They seem to circle
round and round and cause mental torture. The presence of such unpleasant
thoughts drives out peace and interferes with being able to think only of the
work or pleasure of the day”
- Dr Edward Bach

That's all for now. Next: A reading list, a medicine and therapy rundown.

~Sarah

Politics

Well, as a respsonsible citizen of the U. S. of A., I've been trying to decide who to cast my lot with in '08. I have arrived at my current choice through the process of elimination. This perhaps is not the ideal method, but I suppose it works as well as any.

I am choosing Barack Obama, not so much for being in agreement with him on the issues (he doesn't go far enough on some things in my mind), but because I disagree with this choice the least.

I am not choosing Rudy Guliani because nobody would have chose him prior to 2001. Doesn't anyone remember how we felt about him before the was The Mayor?

I am not choosing Hillary Clinton, because if she is our first woman president, I don't think we'll get another for a hundred years. And she is too wishy-washy on the issues, trying to please everyone instead of taking a solid stand on anything important.

So, there it is, my vote (as it stands now, my mind could be changed): Obama '08

Friday, March 30, 2007

Sleepy Poem

i have no recollection of creating this other than the vaguest idea about using the garden kit to make a poem the other day...the funny thing is, i'm so tired right now that i probably won't recollect posting this until i check my blog a month later.... should i be worried that i'm not getting enuf sleep?

What? I'm bored!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Zoobilee Zoo

You Are Entering the Stingray Tunnel!!!

it did not say 'kids only' and was darn cool

Zoobilee Zoo! No, this is not a post about Bulder-da-Beaver... It was sunny and warmish Friday, so I thought: Let's go to the Zoo. So I did. Here are some pics: